When and Why to Grieve or Not to Grieve

 

My husband and I married young. He was 19 and I was 18. It was not a stretch to think we might celebrate our 50th anniversary. His mother and my daddy lived into their 80s, so we had a pretty good chance of even making it to your 60th. In December before our 48th anniversary, he said, “I know that 48th isn’t a big anniversary to celebrate, but can we celebrate this year because this will probably be our last one?” We took a long weekend trip to Degray Lodge. We played games on his iPad, ate at a favorite restaurant from when he was in college, enjoyed breakfast in the lodge restaurant with a beautiful view of the lake, stopped in Hot Springs for lunch and some shopping. It was a wonderful celebration. And he was right, it was our last. Today would have been our 50th. Although I just teared up a little, I’m not really sad. He’s been dead a little over a year and a half. I miss him, but my grief isn’t sadness. It’s just memories, mostly good but some bad too, because that’s how marriage is. Even the good ones have some bad memories. But I also know that God’s promises give us assurances about the death of believers. 

1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 13 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. 14 Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus.

My grief for Bryan is not sadness for him. But when I look at scriptures about grief, I see reasons for us to grieve. And oftentimes we do not grieve for these things at all. We ignore the promises that give us comfort in our grief, but we also ignore the admonitions that convict us to grieve and tell us ways that we grieve God. 

2 Corinthians 7:8-9 8 For even if I grieved you with my letter, I do not regret it—even though I did regret it since I saw that the letter grieved you, yet only for a little while. 9 Now I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because your grief led to repentance. For you were grieved as God willed, so that you didn’t experience any loss from us.

We should grieve over our sin. Not just the sin nature that results in eternal separation from God. We should also grieve over the sins we commit as believers that affect our fellowship with God. Paul wrote to the Corinthians about some sexual immorality that was being condoned within the church. It hurt his heart to have to fuss at them, but it was for their own good. And they responded to his rebuke with grief and repentance. John explains this in a little more detail. 

1 John 1:5-10 Now this is the message we have heard from Him and declare to you: God is light, and there is absolutely no darkness in Him. 6 If we say, “We have fellowship with Him,” yet we walk in darkness, we are lying and are not practicing[c] the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light as He Himself is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say, “We have no sin,” we are deceiving ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 9 If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 10 If we say, “We don’t have any sin,” we make Him a liar, and His word is not in us.

If we say we don’t sin, we are liars and deceiving ourselves. Being saved, redeemed, forgiven, justified doesn’t mean we don’t sin. As long as we are in our earthly bodies, we sin. But that doesn’t have to break our fellowship with God. If we repent, grieve for our sin, and confess that to God, He forgives us. 

Ephesians 4: 29-31 No foul language is to come from your mouth, but only what is good for building up someone in need, so that it gives grace to those who hear. 30 And don’t grieve God’s Holy Spirit. You were sealed by Him for the day of redemption. 31 All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice.

Paul writes to the Ephesians that we are not to grieve God’s Spirit within us. God’s purpose is to work in us to make us more like Jesus, to conform us to His likeness. When we resist His work in us, we grieve Him. 

Romans 8:28-29 We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. 29 For those He foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brothers. 

It is God’s perfect plan to work all things together in our lives to make us like Him. 

Now back to the confidence we have in Christ when we die, the promises that make our grief at the death of loved ones joyful. We will know Jesus as He knows us. Isn’t that amazing.

1 Corinthians 13:11-13 When I was a child,

I spoke like a child,

I thought like a child,

I reasoned like a child.

When I became a man,

I put aside childish things.

12 For now we see indistinctly, as in a mirror,

but then face to face.

Now I know in part,

but then I will know fully,

as I am fully known.

13 Now these three remain:

faith, hope, and love.

But the greatest of these is love.

Sometimes people take verse 12 out of context and use it to say we will know our loved ones in heaven. That may be true. I know that Bryan and I will not be married in heaven. 

Mark 12:24-25 24 Jesus told them, “Are you not deceived because you don’t know the Scriptures or the power of God? 25 For when they rise from the dead, they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like angels in heaven. 

I honestly don’t know if I will know Bryan or my parents, or anyone else, but I know that I will know Jesus as He knows me. And I know that right now, Bryan knows Jesus as Jesus knows him. That’s enough. No grief in that.